"That girl there..she loves herself"
At school I was very commonly discribed as someone who "loved herself". Not by everyone but by a fair few people that thought they knew me.
You see in year 7 I made the epic mistake of singing whilst sat on a piano in a production. My favourite teacher Mr Evans asked me. I remember it like yesterday. Word got around and it set the tone for a bumpy ride of opinions. Add my big mouth into the mix and you guessed it, there were fireworks from that day on.
For years I didn't think it really bothered me. I carried on being that fiery soul that loved herself. Until Somehow I switched sides and decided Love from others was better than loving myself. How could I love myself if others didn't love me?
At the age of about twenty two I had spent years doing what I could to feel loved. As I sat in my half empty flat eating my cheerios I wondered why..
Perhaps it was the boyfriend who replied when I told him I loved him, "I don't love you yet, but I'll let you know when I do." (2 years down the line he was still using the same reply?! Oh that was a long lesson Charlie girl 🙄🙈)
Perhaps it was the friendships where I hadn't lived up to people's expectations and I'd let them down.
Perhaps it was the broken relationship I'd just come out of where I gave more and more as he gave less & less?
Could it of been way back in school when I was called a wannabe? "That girl Charlie who sings and loves herself"
I don't know if I'm honest. Probably a combination of all the above and a heap more added on top. All I knew was that place back at the beginning was a better place to be in than where I was now.
Then it suddenly dawned on me..
It is not a crime to love yourself.
And more importantly you don't earn someones love. You are not a performing monkey that gets thrown some pieces of affection and love when you do your best tricks.
You set the tone by loving yourself first. You cannot receive or give 100% of love if you don't love yourself. As I child I had the right idea I'd just lost it along my way. I listened to other people's tune, instead of the voice inside.
So here I am today. Not perfect. But 100% in love with myself inside and out.
I hope this reminds you all to love yourself first & love yourself hard because sometimes no one else will, and other days everyone will. But you are the one that has to be with you everyday for the rest of your life.
Show yourself some love
Say kind things about yourself
Hold your head high and
Sing on that fuckin piano if you want to.
Love yourself and you know what..the people that matter will love you right back.
Oceans of love
Charlie Edwards - Light Code Weaver - Healer