We've now been in lockdown for almost one hundred days now. A few weeks back I clicked send on possibly one of the most important emails of our family life.
I sat for a moment to find my breath. 'It's all working out perfectly' I remind myself.
As my vision went blurry through tears I still knew deep down this was the right decision for our family but my stomach was doing flips like I've just gone over a humpback bridge.
I looked over at my sleepy children huddled on the sofa in a blanket and I felt my sense of calm return. I quickly wipe the tears from my face before anyone noticed and shuffle off to the kitchen to make a coffee. (usally I glide but before coffee I deffo shuffle around the house)
I stood and watched the rain fall on the window as the kettle boiled and realised how much more simple our lives would soon become. No early morning rushes, no panic buying a certain colour t-shirt for the next event. A truly free flowing day, every day.
So why was I crying? Well it wasn't the fear of the decision we had made, it was the fear of judgement that was heading our way, I envisaged it like a stampede of wilder beasts about to come and trample on my peace. The noise from the kettle startled me as I heard my inner voice say firmly. Let them judge.
It wasn't the fear of the decision we had made, it was the fear of judgement from others.
You see I've been playing with the idea of home schooling since the first year Boo was struck with exhaustion before Christmas. Then when Hero came out in an entire body rash through stress I knew it was going to happen somewhere down the line. This pull became a reality when we went into lock down.
I'd watched Hero begin to walk taller, I watched Boo sleep better & begin to find her passion for learning again. They read books in the garden, built dens in the woods and became the children I remembered them to be before school started.
The problem was we had been telling ourselves that it would have to wait, work needed to be done before we could pull them out of rigid system that doesn't work for them. I was wrong.
I didn't need to wait, I just needed to be brave, I needed to put them before my craving for silence or my dream of green space and plant filled kitchens looking out over my porch.
Some days I'm sure I will wonder what on earth I have done, and other days I'm pretty sure I'll slide into bed with the happiest of hearts knowing I made the best choice for us all.
But for now here are, just being brave.
Who knows what September will hold for us. I'll be sure to keep you in the loop as we go because once an open book always an open book.
Oceans Of Love
Charlie Edwards - Light Code Weaver - Healer